I have spent the last 11 years trying to reconcile being a mother and an attorney. It is certainly not an easy thing to do. The oppressive weight of criminal defense combined with the even more oppressive weight of homework and after school activities have been almost too great of a burden for my narrow shoulders. But somehow I get up every morning and go to be every night satisfied that I did the best I could. I miss deadlines both at home and at work.
I am CONSTANTLY running late because I am CONSTANTLY running. But I have come to realize the best way for me to conquer both the world of mommydom and lawdom, is to let it go. I am not Martha Stewart and I am not Shapiro (after all he has a wife to do the things I do while he lawyers). I am Gabi. I am Mommy. I have dirty floors and cobwebs in the corners. My office desk looks like a folder monster vomited all over it. I spend hours in the dark catching up on emails, texts, motions, you name it. I have let go of my perfectionist expectations and my dream of having my name in lights as a kick ass defense attorney. Letting go has changed my life and my stress level.
Then a hiccup. A panic attack. A moment where what has been done can not be undone and I wish it could… “LET GO!”, I tell myself. “Breath deep” and hear myself say. And you know what? It works. Because I come home and see smiling faces and work hiccups always can be fixed (after all there’s a motion for just about every asinine thing a defense attorney can do).
So over the last several years, I have found the only way I am a good mom is by being an attorney and the only way I am a good attorney is by being a mom (good or otherwise). They keep me grounded in one another. After all, I can’t worry too much about bringing in money to the (a filthy) house if I am knee deep in science fair projects and spelling bees. I let those moments come and I cherish them instead of being angry they are there (which was my first instinct). I know there will be far too few of those moments as my kids grow. And money will always be there. Debt will always be there. I can work until I’m 50 or 90 and I will still owe Uncle Sam or the bank or my law school for my loans.
On the other hand, my kids have one foot out the door already…after all their friends are sooooo much wiser and more important than I am. And that’s ok. That’s how it should be. They must develop those relationships with my guidance and nurturing just as they must learn to study, eat healthy and exercise. Watching them grow into “people” not just little sacks of potatoes with buggers and snot, is truly a wild experience. i would have never thought it could be so funny, entertaining and ulcer inducing all at the same time. My kids are cool. All kids are cool because they are just waiting for their tanks to be filled with knowledge, snacks and a touch of adventure and they could be anything. Maybe even lawyers….
I am NOT a working mom and thriving attorney. I am a thriving mom and a working lawyer. My 9 to 5 gives me freedom to use my mind and make money. My kids give me the will to wake up in the morning and do it all over again. So luck am I to be counting these blessings everyday. So lucky am I.